Five Nights of Photoshop, and Boredom.

So, how do I manage to keep my Photoshop skills up to scratch?

Well, amidst the Team Fortress 2 and whatever else I’m doing, I enjoy heading over to Photoshop, and making posters. Of anything really. Serious work (like this) or just pure fan art. There’s tons of it on my laptop, but not much of it sees the light of day.

This one however, is an exception. Let’s hope when the real movie comes out, they stick to Scott Cawthon’s original lore, and not cast some colossal bell-end such as Adam Sandler, as some people of the interwebs like to joke.

It’s Time to Take Off.

Today, I received an e-mail housing my third year welcome letter.

When you’re in Primary School, you look up to the Year Sixes and think, ‘God, they’re old.’ When I was in Secondary school, I didn’t look at the Year 11’s/13’s and think the same thing. However, when I came to Uni, I did see the third years in that way, somehow. That makes the fact that in just over two months, am going to be one of those old people.

Shiiiiiit.

That’s about the best way I can put it. It’s really scary what’s ahead. It’s not the whole ‘Big Wide World’ ahead of me bollocks. I’m sort of on top of what I want to do once my course is done. The actual path I want to go down however, is what’s frightening me. As I mentioned in DKWTDWMLAIDC, after the events of Loserville, it’s be dawning on me that Theatre may be the direction I want to go in. But of course, I’m not going to be stupid enough to drop out of my course to pursue it. I’m not even that certain on it, and I would also like a degree of some description.

Gramophone 3 copy

As I sit at home home, in my sister’s old bedroom, I’ve been thinking about the year just gone course-wise. It’s been eye-opening, and I felt I had a path down. Now however, I’m not so sure. I don’t want to go into detail, as it will just sound horrendously bitchy, but then again, I’m essentially going to be indirect, which is even worse. Some of the people I’ve worked with/attitudes I’ve seen over the year are making me lose interest, and faith. I know I’ll get back in September and be back on the horse again, but until I am, I can’t shake this feeling off. Next year could easily see the death of Silent Speech Productions, and where I stand within the ‘company,’ I really couldn’t care less. It sounds horrible saying that about an idea I’ve poured hours into, but that is reason numero uno I am losing faith in Media, and coincidentally pushing me over to theatre, which for someone not studying it, makes it even more difficult to get somewhere.

Again, now I’m home again, my heart is on Radio, and that’s where I’d like to be once I’ve finished Uni. In a flat somewhere, preferably with Amy, and working at a radio station. As much as I enjoy my current job in Coventry, I don’t particularly want to conform to the post-grad Media student doing coffees and pouring pints for years after.

I’d rather throw myself in head-first.

Preferably not holding hands with five other people.

DKWTDWMLAIDC.

I have been ranting and raving about it on Facebook, Twitter, and even on here. Not in a negative way however. The only negative thing I can say about this, is the fact it’s over. You’ve guessed correctly.

Loserville.

I know that a matter of months ago, I said No Day But Today was the most fun I have ever had on stage. Quite frankly, that was true. Then Marvin Camden came along, and Lucas Lloyd followed. Not putting NDBT down but, Loserville took the top spot once the intro video before Act One even started, began playing.

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‘Don’t Let ‘Em Bring You Down’ – A Cast-favourite song from Loserville.

Holding a cardboard, comic book-styled walkie-talkie, I wandered the stage in beautifully-clashing clothing, building up a great joke, that no-one found funny. The build in the music, the flashing alarm lights, the rush of breaking in to a high-tech computer room in 1971 just gave me that thrill before we were five minutes into the show. Living In The Future comes along, and I’m stood at the front, singing my heart out, rocking out on an air guitar, and being on stage with some of the best friends I had ever had, made Loserville one of those experiences I doubt I’ll forget a single Americanised-word of.

Cracking jokes, singing, getting depressive, and then unleashing hate and anger in two songs just made the show so exhilarating and emotional. Seeing the faces of my family and friends, and those who don’t give two thingies about theatre, being so astounded, just pumped so much more energy into the performance, especially mine.

Things this year however, haven’t run smoothly.

We were definitely in a better place with Loserville than we were with Guys and Dolls. As much as the first night didn’t go at or over 100%, we at least still had a show. This year, relationships were stretched to their limit, opinions and emotions went haywire, and people’s backs turned to some, and there were those of us picking up the pieces. There being such a committed group meant the show was never affected, or at least, it never hit a mountainous speed bump. No Day But Today and Loserville separated the men from the boys, and laid giant red flags next to the pitfalls experienced, so the committee next year know where not to tread. Speaking of committee, I’m on it next year. I’m the one who stands at the front, puts music on, and twats around for two hours, teaching people how to twat around too.

I am so unbelievably terrified, and so unbelievably excited.

There are people I’ve never felt closer to this year, and some of those I get to work with professionally next year. MTS across 2015/16 is going to be a whole new ball game. There are new people coming (which is great, we’ve been super-close to the new members this year, and I’m super-excited to meet the new lot), and there are old people leaving forever, or coming back in a years time as they’re buggering off around the world or something. I know for a fact, the one thing I will always notice being different next year, the thing that will make MTS different, is one person not present in particular.

Not going to name names here, as that’s just not fair. I want you to sit and think, ‘Does he mean me?’ Oh, it won’t be you. But the person who it is, will know exactly who they are. One of the first people I met from MTS, came as a shock when she told me where she stood within MTS. I thought, ‘I’d better not say something offensive or stupid, as she may kick me out or something.’ Our relationship never really hit a horizontal line. It was sort of all over the place. Not in a bad way, nothing really happened (well, story for a never-time – Pub Golf. It’s always a alcohol-fuelled night), we just never knew where we stood. This year however, Loserville being something we’ve both been on-board with since pre-Guys and Dolls, we became a lot closer when we finally got to fulfil our geeky theatre dream. You know who you are. You made MTS for me, and I know exactly how to take care of it next year.

I’ve said it before, this isn’t Goodbye though.

You’ve got to come back and cry about how much I’ve ballsed up the choreography for unnamed Showcase and Musical shows next year.

Michael, Holly, & Lucas

Myself, Libby, and Jordan (or Lucas, Holly, and Michael respectively). How much fun it was to perform alongside them, and how fun it will be to boss them around next year.

‘DKWTDWMLAIDC’ you ask? “Don’t know what to do with my life, and I don’t care.” It’s a lyric from ‘What’s so Weird about Me?’ from Loserville. Albeit a song I wasn’t even in (due to Lucas being a mopey shit), it was one of my favourites, and after gallivanting around pretending to be an regret-filled teenage writer geek, the aftermath of Lucas Lloyd and Loserville made that line especially, a bit more relevant than before. As much as I enjoy Media Production and Filmmaking immensely, is it where I want to be? Realising I can sing changed me. I never thought I could. When I won ‘Best Male Performance’ for ‘Holly I’m The One,’ it did make me stand back and see where I was. Should I stay on that one thing I’ve been doing all of my life? I’ve bounced between Engineering and Media Production as career choices through most of my life now, but performing has been there the entire time, never faulting, never slowing.

Maybe performing isn’t just my hobby any more.

I think it might be my place.

Thank you, Loserville.

Thank you, MTS, and all of you incredible MTSers.

Thank you everyone that’s supported me through everything, both in front of an audience, and behind a camera or microphone.

In the corner of my eye, there’s new door opening.

Actually, it’s not a door.

It’s a curtain rising.

My Problem with Feminism.

No witty title. I’m being straight to the point with this. I’m sick of dilly-dallying around this topic, and not actually having the courage to properly express my feelings about it.

Feminism is something I try and stay away from. Not because I’m anti-feminist (I’m really not), but because I know if I’ll start going on about it, I won’t stop. Also, whenever this topic comes into the light conversation-wise, I have this irrational fear that something I will say will cause me to get beaten to death by words and angry feminists. The fear that comes from something I do support, kind of puts into perspective both where and it stand.

Over the past couple of months, yes, I’ve been one of those people that have shyed away from Feminism because the word itself brings negative connotations blah, blah, blah- I’m past that. I still believe that’s true in the perception of some people, but I stand the other side now. I’ve ‘grown up,’ and put it behind me. My problem now, is something more important. To me, anyway.

Representation. I’ve moaned and moaned about this before, but never would I have thought that I would moan about a stereotype this generalistic. Men. Men are completley welcome within feminism.  I mean, it involves them too! It’s not all about Women because of ‘Feminism’ yadda, yadda, yadda- bleh, boring. Also past that, even though, I admit, it could be more neutral. Anyway, I ‘enjoy’ scrolling though feminist blogs, websites, twitter pages, etc. mainly because it fuels my fire. It reassures me that what I’m about to say isn’t just me overthinking things.

I do not at all feel represented within the world of feminism.

I will explain. One hundred percent of Women are ‘seen’ under the eyes of Feminism. All Women can be feminist. All Women should be feminist I believe irritates me more than what I’m going on about now. When Men are at all mentioned within feminist social media presences, only a few ‘iterations’ of Men appear to be represented.

These Men are not me.

Gay. Bisexual. Transgender. Men who are now Gender-Neutral. Men who feel opressed by the ideologies of the ‘perfect’ Man (much in the same way Women are opressed by their ‘ideal’ Woman). Men who have anxiety issues. Men who have this, Men who are that, these are the Men I see being ‘understood’ by femist values. I feel being straight, having no genuine bi-curious experiences, not cross-dressing (at least not seriously), and not having severe anxiety or something that will set me aside from the sexual/physical norm, means I am just a Guy. These are the guys not ‘protected’ by the ideals of feminism, so when I see any attack from feminists towards Men in general, I don’t see it aimed toward that list at the beginning of this paragraph, I see the, aimed toward the rest, I see them aimed toward me.

This fundamental problem I have, is what denies me to fully appreciate feminism to the extent that I will run around saying “Yes, I am a feminist,” if anyone asked me. This isn’t the only evidence I have around not being represented, I have experienced not being allowed to be feminist, or even have any opinion on the matter.

If you either know me personally, or you’ve been an avid reader of my blog, you will know, a huge part of my past revolves around being a trained dancer. Long story short, I was bullied no-end, as it’s a girls thing. Therefore, I am ‘Gay’ (Slightly longer story here). Back to the point, I was in a student pub only a few months ago, and the topic of feminism popped up. All of a sudden, a transvestite was stood before me. Now, to save confusion, I refer to them as ‘he.’ He was Male (of course, dressed feminine), and I should refer to him as ‘her,’ but after this ‘conversation,’ I’m not giving him the satisfaction of calling him ‘her’ like I should.

He told me his story. He said he was feminist because he is transgender. I could’ve gathered that really, seeing as he threw himself between myself and the person I was talking to, itching to get a word in. He said he was taken to court due to being beaten half to death etcetera, his parents practically disowned him and so on. I was sympathetic. I have nothing against transgender people, and I am not uncomfortable around them. Coventry University have quite the lively LGBTQQ+ (I think that’s right) scene,  so it’s hard to be uncomfortable when they’re prominent around where I live. I then proceeded to tell him my story. I danced from a young age. Lycra, Ballet shoes, occasional make up etcetera, and how was beaten up, stabbed in school, and had a good ten-or-so years of torture. I appreciate feminism more so now because I never really experienced the gender divide while growing up. I had a lot of male friends, and a lot more female friends. I never realised it existed until Sixth Form, only really when it was pointed out to me. Even being at an all boys school, the ideology of Men above Women was never acknowledged, taught, or anything like what I see on some feminist sites. Back to the point, this transgender gentleman proceeded to not appreciate my background, and downright told me that ‘I hadn’t been through enough to really understand what is going on about feminism,’ and that ‘I hadn’t been through what he’d been through, so I had no say, or opinion.’

Now you see why I refer to him as him.

I’d seen this idea that I’m not ‘worthy’ on social media, but never would I have dreamed to have it said to my face. This is why I don’t fully support feminism. If I don’t feel included, why should I? It sounds petty I know, but if I’m not appreciated, why would I be interested? I feel left out. I mentioned this on twitter. To that, I received a reply saying: “aw do you feel unfairly treated by society? well now you know how it feels to be a women.” Not only was that tweeted rather hastily in attempt to shoot me down as soon as possible (which I have observed to be a trend among social media-dwelling feminists), I turned to my girlfriend and asked whether she felt she was unfairly treated by society. She promptly said a blunt and truthful, ‘No.’

Vain attempt to generalise all Women’s views toward society to try and ruin a Man’s opinion? Denied.

‘She wasn’t trying to generalise Women together’ I think I’ll hear, well if that was the case, why don’t you stop doing it to Men too? One thing I have deduced over the past few weeks, an observation (including my one about not feeling represented) that has been backed by two firm feminists, one being a Woman, and the other being a Gay Man, is that the reason why the gender divide still exists today, is because we keep putting it there.

This constant bickering between genders on places like Tumblr and Twitter is what keeps separating Men and Women. Or in reality, feminists and everyone else. As much as in their ideal world, every Woman is feminist, they’re not. Putting Men down 24/7 really won’t help getting equality here to stay, as we’re too busy slamming bollocks statistics and generalising each other so much, we’re not focusing on actually doing anything.

I perceive the war on equality online as all Women being feminists, and all Men being rapists or some derogatory douchebag, or at least, that’s how both sides put things. We’re putting that boundary there.

This needs to stop.

As soon as I can safely appreciate myself calling myself a feminist, I can join the resistance against unfairly treating both/all (whatever your opinion is on that front) genders equally.

Until then, I’ll sit on the sidelines, and still get grenades thrown toward me, because I have my arm round my girlfriend’s waist, and I have hair on my chin.

This was written to deliberately provoke conversation. Please elaborate in the comments if you have something to say, that’s why it’s here. If you’re going to do nothing but put the entirety of this down and explain why I’m the reason you’re a feminist, go back to Tumblr and moan there.
AT THE END OF THE DAY, THIS IS AN OPINION MADE FROM AN OBSERVATION, NOT WHAT EVERY MAN ON THE PLANET SUPPOSEDLY THINKS.

Darren, Peter, Lucas, Me.

No Day But Today had an extremely short-lived run. By extremely, I mean three nights. I think the cast of the show would’ve been happy to have done a three week run. Personally, I’d have done it for three months. It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time, and definitely my most memorable time on ‘stage.’

(It was essentially a ballroom floor).

I’ve been on stage for various things since I was around three, starting with the biennial Allen School of Dance and Performing Arts school shows. The last one I did when I was eighteen, was Movie Musicals, in which I got to perform a solo dance (not my favourite one, but hey), as well as perform my legendary tap duet with my extremely talented and clever past dance partner. It was a good show, and I was invited to do a ‘leaving speech’ at the end of the show, which subsequently made the majority of my friends cry. I was all emotional, but that was now almost two years ago, and quite honestly, I don’t miss dance lessons as much as I’d think.

Poster No Venue

According to some, this poster just screams the fact I designed it…

I played a cacophony of characters, who were technically the same person. Think of play within a play, Our Country’s Good or The Caucasian Chalk Circle-esque. In other words, a colossal mind f*ck. As the show was essentially the rehearsal process of the show (we were putting on a show called No Day But Today, in a show called No Day But Today), I played a character called Darren, who in the show within the show, played a character named Peter. Darren wasn’t necessarily dim-witted, he would just end up in his own little world more often than not. Essentially, just like me. But a little more over the top.

What I’m attempting to get at is, theatre is where I live. It may not be the career choice I’m taking, but it’s where I’ve always chosen to be alongside the normal routine of life. I know No Day But Today was my third show here with MTS, but as the MTS family feel a lot closer this year (and I’m not going to lie, NDBT was leagues better than Phantom of the Musical), so my experience was improved a million times over. After all of the shows I’ve done in my life, No Day But Today has been the one I’ve enjoyed the most- so far.

Poster

Loserville is yet to come. It’s the kind of musical I’ve always wanted to do, it’s not hugely known, which is going to make it all the more fun to learn, perform, and in your case, watch. I’m playing Lucas Lloyd, Michael Dork’s (the main character) best friend, who he helps ask Holly out, then regrets not doing it himself. This however, will to an extent be one of my last ventures into performing on stage. Next year, I am going to be the choreographer in the society, so as soon as the curtain falls on the final night of Loserville, sh*tting a brick will be putting it lightly.

So this is it for me on stage. I’m going to miss it immensely, but with Loserville, it’s safe to say I feel like I’m going out with a bang. I don’t think people are ever going to understand how much this show is going to mean to me.

If you do, let’s make it amazing.

Like Coventry University Musical Theatre Society on Facebook.

 

Signposts and Mirrors.

I don’t really know where I stand right now.

I sound like your typical teenager finding themselves, but being too lazy to do it. I’m cycling through one of those moods where I for some reason look at my career path and move my mouth so far to the side it practically replaces my cheek. This is the direction I want to go in, so why does my mood want to question it now and again? I did however find a way to dismiss it, by simply asking myself, ‘what else can I do?’ I then re-realise I’m heading the right way.

That’s when I walk into Uni and sit down. Or in this case, I don’t. Earlier this week, we had a big presentation to do, and I, having a painful seven hour shift the night before, finished the night feeling extremely ill (most likely the bug going around the cast of No Day But Today, which had recently finished), that unfortunately continued through to that morning. I couldn’t go in. Simple as that. I apologised, and hoped my group will get along fine.

They didn’t.

This has happened before. These guys I worked with are all very clever and 100% capable, but it all fell to pieces. Some of the remarks made when I announced I would be absent led me to believe that there was a heavy reliance on me. If they read this and they think otherwise, for christ sake show it! I know I’ve mentioned my presence on my course before but, I didn’t exactly wan to either experience or mention it again.

Silent Speech is under way, and as three of the team gallivant around Amsterdam 4K’ing their views, myself and my colleague were left in an ‘up-shit-creek’ style sitation. This is the most inopportune time for me to be stressing about this as well as the thing I mentioned earlier as well as the inner-war of mine raging currently. I just can’t be doing with it.

I need something that’s just going to nudge me back on track.

-but I don’t think it’s going to be the usual thing that does this time.

I see a desaturated experience from here on out.

Taking Off.

It’s exactly what it says on the tin. In my most recent vlog, I mention the fact I’m actually finally doing YouTube stuff.

It’s been something I’ve wanted to do for quite a while now, but it’s not that I keep putting it off, I just always suffer from either a creator’s block, or just lack motivation. If I’ve been doing Uni work (obviously film stuff), but after doing number of hours of editing, I can’t be bothered to continue with doing more editing. Then again, after taking the plunge with a Five Nights At Freddy’s video, I realised it’s not actually too time consuming, so now I’m more motivated to do it, as I now know it won’t take too long.

An episode of FNaF for example takes roundabout an hour to record and edit, and however my internet’s feeling depends on how long it takes to upload. If I’m lucky (and now that I’m back in Coventry), it should only take about 30mins. In case you’re intrigued to watch me play what is to be considered one of the scariest games ever, look below…

There’s more stuff on the way, and I’m really excited to see what happens if I keep going. If you’re an avid reader of this blog, head to my channel and hit ‘Subscribe,’ it’d mean a lot.

My first Night 4 recording went tits-up, so you don't get to see this...

My first Night 4 recording went tits-up, so you don’t get to see this…

New Year, New Me- Oh Get Out.

Things are starting to change around here. Hopefully, for the better. Firstly, I’m now pretty much halfway through University now, so now I’m closer to leaving than to starting. It sounds horrendously cliché’d, but it *does* feel like yesterday since I moved into Block 13. Now we’re here. So what’s new?

High School Musical much?

High School Musical much?

Well, for starters, a couple of friends and I have started a Production Company, known as Silent Speech Productions. You know when you were young, and you and your mates would come up with various hair-raising schemes, such as forming a band, or something along those lines? As we’re now 19/20, I’d assumed we’d be past the stage of these just being silly schemes, but this time, it’s for real. We’re getting funding and so on from various ‘start-your-business’ businesses within the Uni, and we’re already sorting out our online and professional presence (that’s sort of my department), and if you like (and I hope you do), you can check us out on Facebook, and drop a like. You never know, one day you might need us…

Thumb

Next up, YouTube. It’s something I keep saying I’m going to start *properly*. But I think I finally am. For Christmas (well, it was an early Christmas present), I received a USB condensor microphone from my family, and it’s just wonderful. I now have an arm for it, so once I’m back in Coventry, and Otone eventually pull their finger out of their arse and get my SECOND SET of replacement speakers sorted, my desk will look just, ugh- I can’t even put it into words. Anywho, after a recent- let’s say, obsession, with a new horror game titled Five Nights At Freddy’s, I started doing a ‘let’s play’ with a facecam on YouTube, and according to my friends, it is actually pretty good. To elaborate on the ‘obsession’ with this game, essentially, any game which on the surface seems relatively ‘what-you-see-is-what-you-get,’ but has tons of backstory revealed through seemingly meaningless scraps of info hidden around the games get me instantly hooked. Much like the backstories of Team Fortress 2 and Treyarch’s Call of Duty: Zombies mode. Speaking of CoD: Zombies, that’s where I’m going to venture to next in terms of YouTube.

So subscribers are rolling- okay, drifting in, but nontheless, it’s a start, and hopefully, when we get back to Coventry in the new year, Silent Speech Productions will hit the ground running, and the recognition and dollar will come rolling in. Being completely honest, I’m looking forward more to the recognition than to the cash.

Happy New Year too! 2015 actually might be something new for once, now I look back at what I’ve just written. As for a resolution, I’ll stick to the one I’ve used for the past nineteen years- ‘don’t bother with one.’

I’ll be indoors making YouTube content I guess.
Drinking bores me now.

Hiatus II: Boredom’s Revenge.

So my last post was depressing as hell. I never blog off an iPhone. My iPad maybe, but I mainly blog on my Mac, mainly because for proper writing sessions I like having a physical keyboard. Especially when it’s mechanical, makes wonderful clicky noises, and has sixteen-point-eight million colours under each key. That’s right, I’m still creaming over this thing. Sad I know, but if you hadn’t worked that out by now from my write-y ramblings, you’re falling behind, friend.

It’s 2am on Tuesday the 9th December, and early morning seems to be the time I actually get the motivation to write something for SeriesThree. I know it’s an odd time, but I’m writing nonetheless, and that’s all I’m really bothered about. Let’s rid SeriesThree of this doom and gloom, and I didn’t realise until today that the last two posts were really depressing. Let’s look at the good, as I head into this second Eternal Hiatus.

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Weekly tasks are back for the second (awesome) time. I’m hoping this carries into third year, as I really see personal development and genuinely good work from me when I’ve got one week to do it. For me, the biggies were Seul À La Maison, Insufficient Attention, Mythologies, and last but the farthest from least possible, Upheaval. Rather than go into tons of detail for all, I’m just going to leave beautifully embedded videos for you to watch, and from these four HTML marvels, you can see why I love them.

-and to wrap that all up, how about a run down of all of my weekly tasks (including those above), and slap a good title on there rather than <name here> – Portfolio like everyone else did?

They were our weekly tasks. It’s been good, but yesterday was meant to be feedback and awards for various things, but it was cancelled. That sucks a bit. Anywho, there was another module running alongside. This was ‘Formats Production,’ something I was looking forward to all Summer. Unfortunately, it was a little rusty in some areas (this I could’ve worked out from the same happening last year), but hey, I made a radio and a television show.

Canned laughter is a load of shit. Just going to be blunt and say it. It pained me to add it to something that I already felt was something rather good in itself. Unfortunately, our tutor took it the wrong way and said it ‘didn’t work as a quiz show.’ Sorry, it’s not a quiz show. Never mind. We got 68% prior to mentioning its non-quizzical nature. Use of canned laughter was canned however (if you’ll pardon the pun), in the makings of the TV show which BLEW LAST YEAR’S OUT OF THE WATER.

#TheViralGames just worked. It was lovingly created by a team that genuinely wanted to be there, unlike x number of people on my team last year. I directed again, as it’s something I know I’m good at, so why not again? It was funny, it worked as a show, it’s not boring, it all fell together well, so why list the faults? BASK IN IT’S HASHTAGGED GLORY.

There’s MTS stuff going on too, namely an original showcase scheduled for January with more of an actual story this time! I managed to bag one of the two male leads out of five overall leads, and will be singing a duet with my friend Jack. You know how I mentioned before that I wanted some Book of Mormon in there? My dream came true. I’m singing Elder Cunningham’s part in ‘You And Me (But Mostly Me). The show’s looking amazing, and it’s a huge part of my life. A lead. This is it.

Let’s not elaborate on things too much, in case the darkness of SeriesThree recently creeps back.

Also, Christmas is just around the corner. As much as I’m not feeling one million percent excited, I am more so than last year. It will be a slightly more difficult Christmas this year, but it’s not something I’ll elaborate on now, as I want no moping today. Then thing about Christmas is, I’m going home. I am looking forward to it of course, but I will be bored. I always am. Hence Hiatus II.

I have one year left though.

Crap. Hiatus will be a fecking trilogy.

Plain Sailing – Across Gravel.

So at the moment, I’m laid in bed. It’s almost 3am, and one of those moods has just swooped in, one where you suddenly feel you’re losing all direction, and you’re circling on a playground roundabout, in an endless abyss. The fact of the matter is, I have no reason to be here, and that makes it worse. There are more things going better here than there are going sour, but these things are unfortunately all ones that appear to be eating away at me more than they should. It’s literally just stuff like a trip ballsing up in front of your eyes, and the only alternate option is to go on a later trip to the same place with a bunch of poncy first-years, and don’t even get me started on a particular part of my course this year where I’m/we’re expected to do vast amounts of extremely vague work with only days to complete it.

It’s all well and good the building you’ve created looks well and does the job, but if some bell-end has glued the doors shut, you’re up shit creek with no clean underwear, let alone a paddle. That’s the thing that’s annoying me. I feel that anal-polish (as I coined recently) is something that doesn’t reach to these unorganised corners of my University career. Making me feel my work isn’t worth seeing, as the stuff I put in a room and left the light off, is looking pretty shabby (hence the glued doors metaphor).

I take a lot of life advice and moral concepts from my Father, and a new saying that has become more prominent is:

Assume nothing, expect anything.

There’s such a thing as being dropped in the deep end with not much direction, but that can be a good thing. As my first ‘solid’ modules draw to a close this first term, I’m now left scrambling for my life in this metaphorical ‘deep end.’ On one side (or module to be exact), I’ve been dropped in with people I genuinely do not know, and have now just been given one map to share, just in time before a shark bites our testicles, and on the other hand, been dropped into it with an instructor with no clue about what he’s trying to teach.

It’s all good fun.

Once these two ‘solid’ modules wrap up, I’ll bring more colour and accomplishment here, but until then, I’ll wallow in over-reactive, over-thinking–something.